DO YOU EVER FEEL
like you don’t fit in?
like no matter how hard you try or don’t try, it’s not right?
like everyone around you is better than you to someone because:
-they’re more laid back
-they smoke pot
-they take more risks
-they’re more agreeable
-they drink a lot
-they dress more provacative
i’m so sick of feeling jealous of stuff i don’t even want to be.
Help me fill the void.
They all say the same stuff in the beginning. You start to believe it. Why do people say things they don’t mean? I realize things will fade some, naturally, but the extent of the fade in my situations is getting comical. And I’m simply too fragile to handle these events.
It’s like I can’t catch a break. They really have been one after the other. You start to question if it’s you.
No one wants to be around a mopey person, but sometimes it’s straight hard to come out of it. All you feel like doing is curling up in a ball and asking “why me? why this again?” Nothing consoles you, because all you want is that one person to see what’s wrong and fix it. Come back and say how stupid they’ve been. Do it all right, realizing what they’d be losing.
“sorry. sometimes i don’t realize how hurtful i am.” Such a beautiful moment. Only to be taken away again the very next day.
I wish I were stronger.
THEY DON’T REALIZE IT BUT
Some library patrons give me hope. They restore some of my damaged faith in people.
- The ones who come in with their spouses of over 30 years and read together.
- The young, lone boy who checks out poetry books and Ernest Hemingway novels.
- My self-adopted grandpa who comes in to socialize and read the paper. He brings me desserts also.
- The men who religiously pick up their wives’ romance books for them.
- The die-hard certain author fans who push their books unto me. I admire your devotion. Even if I have no desire to read them.
- People who bring their kids just to read to them and play with them in the kid’s section. I love good parenting.
- In reference to good parenting, I love those well-mannered kids.
So many more. I’ve made so many friends here. So many influences. I love this job because I know I’ll look back on it fondly. Remembering everyone I’ve known.
Did I mention I work with my grandma too? haha. It’s an interesting situation.
LATELY I’VE BEEN GETTING BRUISED
by a love I can’t afford to lose.
and I can’t say that I like it, but
what else am I supposed to do?
Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one who listened to those guest speakers and lectures in school about drugs and alcohol. I know there’s others who think the same out there, but I so rarely see them.
I wish people could see what I see.
I would like to have someone to read to. To have someone willing to lay with me and read with me would be quite an experience.
I WANT TO
move away. Start over.